Activist Grabs Trump Statue By the Crotch, Gets Yuge Surprise

Showing the world that she wasn’t too sexy for Madrid, a topless protester from the feminist group FEMEN forced her way past an elderly security guard at the city’s wax museum so that she could grab a statue of new U.S. president Donald J. Trump by its nether regions:

Reuters journalists at the scene saw the woman push past security ropes and place her hand on the statue’s crotch while screaming “grab patriarchy by the balls.”

Museum staff spent several minutes trying to restrain the woman before eventually bundling her out through a back door.

The activist group claimed responsibility for the protest on Twitter, saying: “FEMEN just grabbed Trump’s statue by the balls in Madrid.”

Gonzalo Presa, head of communications at the museum, called the woman’s protest “unpleasant” and said he had hoped to give a “special welcome” to Donald Trump from Madrid.

“If they want to do this they should do it directly to him. This is too easy,” he told a Reuters reporter.

The woman, who only identified herself as “Peaches,” was not arrested but released to her FEMN compatriots, who immediately adjourned to a nearby TGI Fridays to celebrate their act of civil disobedience.

A Reuters reporter soon tracked them down, and found the women shooing away men who thought that Friday’s had turned into a topless bar.  There, the reporter observed “Peaches” in a corner by herself, seemingly depressed as she took halfhearted sips from a Sex on the Beach.

“It’s not fair!” Peaches moaned.  “This was supposed to be my moment in the sun!  I should be stronger than this!”

Confused, the reporter asked her what was wrong.

“It’s him,” Peaches said, her eyes taking on a wistful stare.  “When I touched him, it was just. . .magic.”  She then buried her face in shame and lust as she cried, “They didn’t tell me the statue would be anatomically correct!”

“And that hair,” Peaches went on to say.  “My God, that hair!  I know it’s wrong. . .but I can’t help but love him.”

Peaches says she is now working on a romantic comedy screenplay about her experience.  Gloria Allred will be representing, with Harvey Weinstein set to produce.

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Marc Giller

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