Corn Pops: A Tale of Racism, Murder, and Perversion

Saladin Ahmed (no relation) rightly pointed out the blatant racism of this seemingly innocent ad for Corn Pops. More like “Special KKK”, AMIRITE?! Anyway, he did the public a valuable service by pointing out the oppression of the Hispanic dude cleaning floors while surrounded by annoying white kids. But he missed the real story. This is without a doubt the most scandalous ad in the history of yuppie cereal. Let’s walk through this:

  1. Is ANYBODY going to address the child dangling 50 feet above the floor? With safety standards like that, I’m going to assume this is a Florida mall.
  2. There is a murderer about to drop a boulder on someone’s head. Probably just got fired from Auntie Anne’s. Gosh, those pretzels are amazing.
  3. So we’re going to protect the Hispanic janitor but completely ignore the Asian twins rocking cameras and fanny packs?
  4. How about the single mother who got started a little early and now she’s pushing an entire cart full of kids around the mall, just trying to stay sane?
  5. Um, little Johnny seems pretty interested in cheer-leading practice. Maybe we could address this BEFORE he becomes a movie producer.
  6. Ok, I can’t sugarcoat this one. That kid is washing his rear end and the kids below are DRINKING it. And you thought Mexico’s water was bad.
  7. Last but not least……you can’t name a corn dog stand that.

I’m onto your evil schemes, Corn Pops. Saladin and I are going to take down your reign of terror.

Jesse Kelly for US Senate

Today Jeff Flake broke the hearts of five or six people and announced he won’t seek re-election for Senate in Arizona. I’ve been fielding phone calls and text messages all afternoon from people encouraging me to run for that seat. And with good reason! How many other people embarrassingly lost two congressional elections in Arizona? Clearly, I’m ready to take the next step. So with a humble heart, I lay out for you the reasons that I want to be your next Senator:

  1. I genuinely cannot stand people. The Senate will give me the opportunity to look down on others while simultaneously not listening to a word they say.
  2. I don’t want to live under Obamacare anymore. So I’m going to the Senate to exempt myself. If you can’t beat em, join em.
  3. Interns
  4. Flying. Nothing worse than flying coach and having to share space with that woman who brings her ugly dog. “Do you want to pet Muffy?” No lady, I want to depressurize the plane and crash it just to avoid you speaking to me. I’ve already put the lobbyists on notice that my Senate votes can be purchased with a private jet.
  5. I want to serve with Kid Rock.
  6. The support for my candidacy is already there. Look at this fine gentlemen who was recently photographed at a flea market in Mexico wearing one of my old campaign shirts. Tell me he doesn’t look fired up to jump our non-existent border fence and work hard for the Kelly campaign. Viva Senate!                                                                                            
  7. I have a hot wife and my kids are cute. How can I cheat them out of the chance to be used in campaign ads to further my political career?

Now is the time. We don’t need more false promises. We need someone who will go to Washington just to do the easy things and enrich himself. I give you my word. I’m your guy.

God bless.

How Do We Fight This Battle?

What’s a small-government conservative to do in this day and age? How do we fight today’s battles and the battles to come? At the end of this rambling disaster, you’ll find that I have no idea. (See that? That’s called “foreshadowing”. Wait, I don’t think that’s foreshadowing. Whatever.)

Random picture of me because it’s my article and I do what I want.

Some of you heard about that restaurant in Tucson, Arizona that just got crushed under the heel of a liberal Birkenstock. The local eatery put up a pro-Trump, anti-ANTIFA Facebook post. The restaurant is now closed indefinitely because they received so many threats of violence.

Make no mistake about it, we are in an internal war for the future of this country. Your desire to live in peace and be left alone is not reciprocated by the left. And when one side decides to make war, the other can fight back or accept subjugation. There is no third option.

That so many realize we are in this war is one of the main reasons the GOP nominated Trump. But Trump’s name-calling, schoolyard brand of fighting back, while preferable to Ben Sasse’s “aw shucks, golly gee” routine, is not the solution. Don’t get me wrong, I think Trump is doing several good things for this country, but making fun of a Mika Brzezinski’s facelift is not morally right. Nor is it a long-term battle plan.

Maybe the future of conservatism looks like this: Bold and unafraid to challenge not what the media is pushing, but the very premise behind it. Willing to fight important battles that are unpopular because, (are you ready for this?), it’s the right thing to do. You don’t have to make death threats to the local commie hemp shop, but you don’t have to shop there either. You don’t have to answer intricate questions about bump stocks, you challenge the very notion that government has the right to regulate firearms.

I don’t know. Just because I’m an accomplished writer with many, many prestigious awards (4th place in my 3rd grade spelling bee), that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. But I know this battle is one we have to fight. We’ll all make mistakes while we do it, but fight we must.

 

Girl Scouts Should Be Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts of America announced they’re going to start letting chicks join. Predictably, conservatives went nuttier than squirrel droppings. Apparently they think the complete liberal takeover of the media, Hollywood, academia, most branches of the bureaucracy, and corporate America is a bad thing. Why won’t you people just let leftist insanity invade every aspect of your life? Just focus on taxes or something.

Either way, I think this is a welcome change. For too long we’ve let men have their own thing. Sure, boys benefit greatly from being in large groups of other boys and getting real lessons taught to them from other men. But how important can that really be?

So we’re going to welcome in the ladies and prep some new merit badges (gossip, mascara, etc.) We’re even going to rewrite The Boy Scout Oath. It used to read:

On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.

Obviously, that’s not gender neutral. I’ve made some edits:

On my honor, I will do my best unless I’m upset.
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law unless I have to get dirty;
To help other people with their makeup at all times;
To keep myself physically attractive, mentally stable and my hair straight.

Welcome to the Scouts, ladies.

Why Did Christopher Columbus Ruin America?

“In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”

That’s a little rhyme I just made up to help you remember the year Columbus destroyed America. He was born in one of those European countries that’s not important enough to remember and he set out on an early path to destruction. Young Christopher could be seen at early age, staring out at the ocean and dreaming about conquest and genocide. Soon he would get his chance.

He got himself some ships, and at no risk to himself, set out across the ocean with murder on his mind. Upon “discovering America”, he couldn’t believe what he saw. It was a utopia very similar to what you saw in that movie Avatar except none of the people were blue.

“Welcome to America, Christopher. Why are you looking at me funny?”

There was commerce here and complete peace between all the tribes. They were just getting ready to construct a great North American highway system, discover the polio vaccine, and establish the Peace Corps when Columbus ruined it all. There was one language, an established border, and a plan to expand trade routes across the ocean until “The Pox Throa From Genoa” showed up on the scene.

Actual picture of Columbus interrupting a corporate meeting about business expansion.

So don’t celebrate this day. This is a day for you to sit in your air-conditioned house and tweet from your iPhone about how oppressed you are and about the evils of America’s history.

Or you get on your knees and thank God you live in the wealthiest country in the world and you’re comfortable enough to complain about things that happened 600 years ago.

 

Grading This Week’s Liberal Insanity

“Fortune favors the bold.” -Jesse Kelly (and some other people)

Some people see Insanity Mountain and think, “I’m staying far away from that mountain. It looks cold up there. But it would be nice to get away from my wife awhile. Nah, I’m staying away.” Liberals look at that mountain and commit to CLIMBING that mountain. So once again, let’s look at some insane liberal takes and pay homage to folks willing to find the summit of Mount Psychosis.

This doozy is from actress Brie Larson (Who apparently was NOT named after brie cheese, according to Wikipedia. That sucks. I love cheese.)

“We’re with you in spirit, Brie.” -Yazidi Women

First of all, how about lower intestinal fortitude on this TSA agent to see a hot actress and seize the moment? I’m beyond impressed. The future belongs to such as these. ANYWAY, send thoughts and prayers up for Brie today. Who knows what kind of special counseling she’ll need after being asked for her phone number. Back in my day, women had the common decency to give me a fake number and give me a brief moment of pride. Not Brie, she pulled out the rape whistle on the poor TSA guy who will probably now get busted down to frisk duty. Grade: 6

Trump reversed Obama’s idiotic mandate that forced employers to cover birth control. How did feminists react?

Did you guys know that nobody likes fish? You think you do. But you don’t. What do you say when you get a bad piece of fish? You say, “This tastes fishy.” Have you ever had a steak that was “too beefy” or chicken “too chickeny”? No you haven’t. So you don’t like fish. You like a bland piece of meat that’s prepared in a delicious way.

Also, Lauren Duca and all feminists are crazy people and she gets a 9 for this.

P.S. The key to being an amazing writer is to keep the reader on their toes. That’s an old trick I learned in community college. No big deal. Not trying to brag about it.

On to our champion. The daughter of an American legend. Dean Martin or someone. I’m not big on research.

Like Michael Jordan was to basketball, Ali to baseball, and The Beach Boys to music, sometimes someone comes along and they’re so great that they almost ruin the sport for everyone else. Nancy may have just retired all other liberal wackos. Many have been pushing for new regulation and legislation. Some want outright gun confiscation.  Not Nancy. She went all in with the old Chinese approach to politics. Just execute all of your opponents. Which, when you think about it, probably is a pretty effective way to get what you want. It’s like when you’re trying to watch the game and your wife won’t stop talking about “the kids” or whatever and you just say something insulting about the dinner she made so she storms off and leaves you in peace. Actually, not sure if it’s like that but still, that’s very effective. Grade: 11

 

That’s all for this week. Not because there weren’t other candidates. There were. I’m just lazy.

 

 

 

 

 

Grading The Liberal Responses To The Vegas Shooting

It has been an extremely rough twenty four hours, but our nation came together. People at that concert showed remarkable courage and decency toward their fellow man. President Trump’s remarks were somber, brief, and outstanding. In our worst times of crisis, America comes together.

None of this applies to liberals, of course. They immediately chose the route of incoherent insanity and started on the political attacks. But I won’t judge them. That would be wrong. I will do what all great Americans should do and grade their inappropriate responses on a scale of 1-10. 1 being mildly obnoxious, 10 being certifiably insane.

Let us begin with the Democratic nominee for President of the United States of America:

We’re going to give this one a solid 9 for a number of reasons.  For one, Hillary is a woman and if America can’t eliminate that gender pay gap, I’m at least going to do my part. For two, the time stamp says 9:04 am which means Hillary was mixing some bourbon in her soy latte and we’re giving out extra points for drunk tweets. And you’ll never be able to convince me that bringing up “silencers” out of thin air is anything but a drunk tweet. Miss Hillary had just hit that point when she lost feeling in her gums and she knew it was time to pounce on a mass murder.

 

On to a musician:

Part of me didn’t even want to include Bryan Adams on this list. He gave us smash hits like ‘Summer of 69’ and that song from the Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie that was basically a guarantee to get you a kiss if you played it on a date back in the day. Chicks love that sappy music and men will pretend to like that filth if it helps us close the deal. Sorry, I got distracted. Either way, This gets extra points for mentioning “KIDS”. Always a winner. I give it a 7.

P.S. After looking at that again, I realize this is actually RYAN Adams and not Bryan Adams. None of us know who that is and I’m not deleting everything I just wrote so it’s staying.

Guess what nobody in the history of the World has ever said when looking for guidance for their country: “Let’s hear what the former president of Mexico has to say.”

This is a 10. Vicente here resides in a country where you can’t drink a glass of tap water without losing ten pounds. A country where a cop can be temporarily purchased for the price of a good pair of socks. A country that is known all over the world for violence. Who better to chime in and lecture us on how things should be run here?

Let’s hear from Kid Rock’s ex-girlfriend who apparently wants more than to “have some fun”:

I wavered on this one. Part of me wants to give her points for having a weapons-grade painkillers in her at 6:50 in the morning, but the absolute incoherence of it forced me to dock a couple points. Is she really saying we don’t have “assault rifle” regulations”? Plus, the “loss of rights” thing is too weird. This is an 8.

Ah yes, the fake children stories:

Boris gets extra credit for combining a willingness to lie about a conversation with his children and complete ignorance to the firearm laws in the United States. This is a 5.

Last but not least, let’s go to Constitutional scholar and professional theologian, Grant Stern, for this take that melts cast iron:

This man is a professional radio broadcaster from Miami so I give him points for being coherent enough to tweet at 8:47 am. Just so we’re clear though, the First Commandment reads, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” It’s unclear at this time how Grant is able to tie gun rights to the love of God, but one can only assume it began with someone yelling at him, “For the love of God Grant, stop talking to me about guns.” Grant gets a 9.

In conclusion, all of our American liberals were defeated by the the ex-President of Mexico. Which is not all bad when you think about it. Those guys haven’t had a win since we were gracious enough to take California from them.

 

 

Strange Must Kneel (A Weekly Poetic Recap)

The millionaires kneeled out on field
To protest their difficult life.
It kind of stinks but it made me think,
“At least he’s done beating his wife.”

“It’s about the racism here,
It’s not about the flag, you see?”
But over 700 were killed in Chicago last year,
And not by Chicago PD.

We’ll see world peace and women who can drive,
We’ll see the fountain of youth revealed.
We’ll find out John Wayne is still alive,
Before we see Obamacare repealed.

Luther Strange went down in flames,
The people wanted more of Moore.
He waves a gun and he might be insane,
So he’s perfect for the Senate floor.