Eunuch Madness Overtakes Puritan Harvard, Cancels Men’s Soccer Season

According to the effete impotent Puritans who rule Harvard University from their ivory tower, all men must be neutered and incapable of sexual urges. They must be made into eunuchs.

Yes, these young men are guilty of the heinous crime of ogling women, and–gasp!–sharing their opinions with each other online. I know, I know. It’s deviant behavior.

The men’s soccer team authored a “scouting guide” of freshmen women’s soccer players, and published it online. The Boston Globe reports:

The “scouting guide” was circulated July 31, 2012, through an e-mail server that was public on Google Groups, until recently, the university’s student newspaper, the Crimson reported last week.

The freshmen players were ranked by number, given written and photographic descriptions of their appearance, and assigned assumed sexual behavior.

Deviant. Horrific.

These young athletes were guilty–GUILTY I tell you!–of behaving like, ahem, young athletes will behave. Just like the ones who stand outside locker rooms, under the grandstands, and behind field houses at innumerable schools and talk about…girls. It’s not enough that for 23 hours and 17 minutes a day they simply think about girls, sex, and having sex with girls, they must talk about it for the other 43 minutes.

And some even share their thoughts online. Who would have thought that people would do such things?

Civilized Harvard responded by cancelling the rest of the men’s soccer season, “including post-season play” to punish these offenders for their four-year-old onslaught against decency and the Puritan ethic it espouses.

In an email to student athletes on Thursday, athletic director Robert Scalise wrote that the team will “forfeit its remaining games and will decline any opportunity to achieve an Ivy League championship or to participate in the NCAA Tournament.”

“We strongly believe that this immediate and significant action is absolutely necessary if we are to create an environment of mutual support, respect, and trust among our students and our teams,” he wrote. “As we move forward, Harvard Athletics will partner with the Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response and other Harvard College resources to take additional steps to further educate the members of our men’s soccer team, and all of our student-athletes, about the seriousness of these behaviors and the general standard of respect and conduct that is expected. Harvard Athletics has zero tolerance for this type of behavior.”

If he could, Harvard President Drew Faust would require the entire male student body to ingest cyproterone, or suffer surgical sterilization. Because it’s easier to make eunuchs of Harvard men than to get them to stop this incessant ogling of the young women on campus.

We teach our college kids that there is no God, no accountability to a higher power; that life is nothing but matter plus time plus chance; that the universe simply came into being and the earth went from goo to you; and that when we die, the worms eat us with no purpose other than to use  Mother Earth’s resources and exploit an insignificant planet in a cold, dead universe.

Then we want them to live up to a biologically impossible creed of chivalry and honor, but mind the condoms when she wants sex. And sign this disclaimer in three places proving she gave consent to every possible act you might consider consummating during your “hook up” time. Then if she changes her mind the next day, you better hope your body cam worked–but if you wear a body cam to prove her consent, you’re guilty of exploiting her with a sex tape.

But nothing matters, because we live, we die and we’re eaten by worms. Now go out and win a soccer game, but if you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body, you can join them in the women’s locker room, swinging penis and all, as long as you don’t get an erection from looking at their bodies.

You got all that?

My God.

Aspiring Harvard students: listen up. For that lesson, they charge only $63,025 (and you must buy health insurance for $2,630). Better hope the health insurance comes with a psychotherapist, because you’ll need one (or your parents will need one).

About the author

Steve Berman

The old Steve cared about money, prestige, and power. Then Christ found me. All at once things changed. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

I spent 30 years in business. Now I write and edit. But mostly I love. I have a wife and 2 kids and a dog and we live in a little house in central Georgia.

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