Amy Schumer arrives at the GQ Men of the Year Party at the Chateau Marmont on Thursday, Dec. 3, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

GQ Writer Credits Obama For Her “Worry Free Sex Life”

Hipster Ashley Fetters recently got her panties all in a bunch over at GQ because, like, with those rascally Republicans itching to oust Obamacare the first chance they get, the “golden age of birth control” will soon be coming to and end–and with it, the days of casual, carefree sex that we’ve all come to see as a universal human right:

Obama spent his presidency fighting for every American woman to be entitled to a worry-free sex life—the undersung bonus side effect of which is plenty more worry-free sex for men, too. He and his administration made a firm commitment to putting women’s minds at ease, reassuring them that kids were only in their futures when and if they wanted them. And in doing so, Team Obama also gifted you a golden era of fun, low-risk banging with your wife, your girlfriend, or the friendly gal who was nice enough to accompany you home from the bar. Because, surprise! Turns out we’re all more fun to have sex with when we’re not preoccupied with the worry of not accidentally creating babies.

Yep, that Obama is a love machine and he won’t work for nobody but you!  But how did he get to be such a smooth operator?  Hai Karate?  Barry White records?

A central provision of Obama’s Affordable Care Act was the elimination of out-of-pocket costs for contraceptives for women, including the morning-after pill, IUDs (you know, those fishing-tackle contraptions that quietly prevent pregnancy for several years), and even sterilization. The ACA aimed to guarantee every insured woman at least one cost-free way to counteract an unwanted pregnancy—and in a broader sense, to guarantee every insured woman the right to control, regulate, modify, or hack her own reproductive system as she pleased.

Oh, that’s right!  By making someone else–like the Little Sisters of the Poor–pick up the tab for your birth control!  Good times, those were.  I’m sure the Sisters will miss helping their sisters having the best sex ever, but that’s what happens when you elect Republicans, I guess.

Still, Ashely, you might try looking on the bright side.  Instead of a golden age of birth control, maybe we’ll usher in another golden age of sex comedies.  When was the last time we saw a decent movie where hijinks ensue after a guy hits the streets in search of a condom just so he can get laid?  The ACA made that way to easy.  Perhaps with its demise, we’ll finally get to enjoy a sequel to The Last American Virgin or Booty Call.  That would be making serious lemonade out of those lemons, baby.

And maybe you’ll finally be able to take down that creepy picture of Obama hanging over your bed.

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Marc Giller

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