Assaulting Souter

Justice Souter was assaulted over the weekend.

U.S. Supreme Court Justice David Souter was assaulted by two men Friday night and taken to a hospital with minor injuries, a court spokeswoman said.

The incident occurred while he was jogging about 9 p.m. Friday, said Kathy Arberg, a court spokeswoman.

Law enforcement sources told CNN the incident occurred near the Potomac River waterfront in southwest Washington, not far from Souter’s home.

The suspects, apprehended later, are named Constitution and Bill of Rights. They said it was payback. According to the assailants, they hid in a penumbra until the justice passed and then jumped out. “From my experience, Justice Souter wouldn’t recognize a penumbra if it jumped out his ass. He sure can’t recognize me after years of his assault,” said Constitution.

Justice Souter said he was sorry the incident took place and he will now make sure to pressure other justices to rapidly kill off the remaining parts of the Constitution and Bill of Rights to prevent further assaults on the oligarchy.

Okay, it’s in bad taste, but still . . .

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Erick Erickson

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