BREAKING: Ted Cruz is Running to be Next Canadian Prime Minister

Ted Cruz announced today that he will be running for the office of Prime Minister in Canada. Nobody really cares understands how Canada’s political system works, so it’s unclear how this might affect his future political ambitions in the United States. Cruz has secured several major endorsements, including Wayne Gretzky and Robin Sparkles.

In his announcement video, which aired on EH! TV, Cruz promised to build a wall along Canada’s southern border and make Donald Trump pay for it. It’s also widely believed that Cruz will be making Trump’s hair the official national bird of Canada. Early polling show a close race, with 10 out of 10 Canadians having no opinion.

An source close to the campaign has informed The Resurgent that Cruz is growing tired with the increasing political polarization in America. According to the source, “Ted really doesn’t like conflict.” and he believes “Canadians are just more polite, and far less opinionated.”

Duke basketball star and official Ted Cruz doppelganger Grayson Allen is the favorite to replace Cruz in the Senate. Allen said Saturday, “I’m very excited about the opportunity to serve in the United States Senate. Ted Cruz has been metaphorically tripping Mitch McConnell for years, and I think it’s time for someone to start literally tripping him as well.”

The White House, in it’s continued assault on the press, could not be reach for comment. However, President Trump tweeted about the Duke star at 3am this morning.

“Grayson is a failure. Couldn’t even beat South Carolina! Sad!”

Cruz’s campaign will be funded entirely by Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell, both of whom sold all of their worldly possessions to support the effort. Graham told Politico, “I will gladly live in a cardboard box if it means getting rid of the whacko-bird.”

See Cruz’s announcement in its entirety below.

About the author

Sam Thomas

Sam is a youth minister, writer, political activist, and an avid fly fisherman. He coaches debate at Clark Atlanta University where he was named the 2016-17 Georgia Parliamentary Debate Coach of the Year.

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