Chelsea Clinton Turns Pancakes Into a Wedge Issue

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  Everybody knows that.  From the humble English muffin to the Frankenberry that turns your milk that glorious shade of pink, breakfast sets the tone for everything that comes after.  A cream-filled Dunkin Donut is as glorious as the sunrise, and can send you off to work with a spring in your step, whereas a bowl of Kaboom is despair personified, each spoonful driving home of the meaninglessness of it all.  Aside from your choice of hooch, the breakfast you eat probably defines you more than anything else.

What we can all agree on, though, is pancakes.  Everybody loves them!  After all, what’s not to like?  Whether it’s blueberry, chocolate chip, banana, strawberry, even crème brûlée, there’s something for every taste, smothered in the sticky sweet goodness of syrup and butter.

So why the hell did Chelsea Clinton have to go and ruin it with an abomination like this?

Urmph!  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

C’mon, Chelsea!  Tweeting something like this on National Pancake Day?  That’s like pushing tofu at the Great American Barbecue Cookoff, or health food at the State Fair.  Have you even seen those. . .those. . .things?  They look like something Godzilla left in a dark Tokyo alley after he got done molting.  They’re lizard scales, Chelsea!  What are you even supposed to pour on top of them?  Ipecac?

Actually, I thought they looked rather tasty.

Honestly, this seems as if the same Clinton handlers who managed to botch Hillary’s run for the presidency are seeing if they can top themselves with Chelsea.  When you’ve got one job–making pancakes look delicious–and you can’t even do that right, it’s well past time to find another line of work.

On the bright side, if this keeps up we won’t need to worry about Chelsea winning political office anytime soon.

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Marc Giller

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