Here Are Trump And Clinton’s Debate Points

When you’re watching tonight’s debate–or swapping back and forth between the Falcons/Saints game and the debate, here’s your crib sheet for the points the two candidates are likely to make. Oh, and make sure you check The Resurgent for our live blog as the reality TV version of “Political Apprentice” unfolds.

Hillary

America needs an economy that works for everyone; LGBT rights and equality; racial justice; gun violence protection; an end to Alzheimer’s disease; universal, quality, affordable healthcare for everyone; comprehensive immigration reform with a pathway to full and equal citizenship; and an answer to the world-ending threat of climate change. Only Hillary Clinton understands the complexity of these solutions, which Donald Trump cannot possibly grasp.

Trump

Jane you ignorant slut. What happened to your lead in Florida? Ohio? North Carolina? You’re about to lose in Pennsylvania? People love me. I built a terrific business and made billions of dollars. I employed thousands of employees of all races. They love me. You will destroy the country. You lost to Obama in 2008, because you’re a loser. I thought Jeb Bush was low energy but you are the queen of low energy.

Hillary

The country cannot afford a buffoon like Donald Trump. {Here Hillary launches into her entire monologue on fighting global terror and national security. The time expires about halfway through and she just keeps rolling right into a commercial.}

Trump

{After commercial break.} Glad you made it back from the rest room before we began, Hillary. Do you need help climbing up on to your super-sized platform? We can take a break if you have to rest some more. Oh, and why aren’t you fifty points ahead? I think you know why. You can’t handle the truth. You can’t keep up with me on your best day and my worst day.

Hillary

Now Donald, you’re just lying again….

Trump

Who’s lying? I never told the FBI I released all my emails when there were tens of thousands I hid. I never covered up leaking secrets. Who are you calling a liar? You haven’t told the truth since 1979. I bought and sold you when your cheating husband was in the White House. Every big bank on Wall Street owns you.

Hillary

What about Russia, Donald? What about your relationship with Putin?

Trump

What about Saudi Arabia donating $10 million to your foundation? What about the Ukraine? What about all that cash you funneled through the Clinton Foundation right into favors from the State Department. It’s all in the emails you hid.

Hillary

Launches into a 20 minute dissertation on immigration reform. {Go to commercial break.}

Trump

I will build a wall. What’s your excuse?

Hillary

Donald, don’t be hating. Did I say that right? Your racist policies…

Trump

Is it racist to stand with police officers? Is it racist to want law and order and real justice when police are being targeted? Hey, let’s hear it for the police here in Long Island–you know I’m an honorary officer here, right? The police love me in Mar A Lago. I built a $10 billion business–the police love me. African Americans love me because they know who will protect them.

Hillary

Launches into a 15 minute soliloquy on criminal justice. {Commerical break.}

Trump

We’re back–Hillary you seem out of breath, we can take a break if you like. So you tried to go to Charlotte. To do what I don’t know, do you think you can stop the riots by showing up? But they told you to stay away. They can’t stand you. Nobody likes you Hillary, and you’re losing because you’re a loser. Always have been.

Hillary

You’re just a mean bully, Donald. And America needs a strong woman….

Trump

Then why did the Democrats nominate you? They had Pocohontas–I mean Elizabeth Warren. Face it, she’s much younger than you are. You barely beat Bernie Sanders, a scatterbrained old man with bad hair. If you hadn’t rigged your party’s nomination, I’d be debating him right now.

Hillary

Recites a 12 minute screed on the dangers of climate change. {Commercial.}

Trump

America is losing. With me, America will be great again. We will win. With Hillary, America will continue losing. Vote for me instead of the loser here.

Hillary

I think you know why Donald Trump can’t be president. Look at him. He doesn’t understand anything. He can’t communicate. He only insults. He lies constantly. You have to vote for me.

Conclusion

Both candidates, after the debate is over, will declare victory, call the other a liar, and try to raise money off each other’s quotes. The football game was better.

About the author

Steve Berman

The old Steve cared about money, prestige, and power. Then Christ found me. All at once things changed. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

I spent 30 years in business. Now I write and edit. But mostly I love. I have a wife and 2 kids and a dog and we live in a little house in central Georgia.

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