Hillary Clinton In Her Ghostwriter’s Words

MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, who hosts Morning Joe when he’s not busy recording songs that make “We Built This City” seem listenable by comparison, scored a big get when an exclusive clip from Hillary Clinton’s forthcoming book What Happened!!! landed in his inbox.

Wasting no time, the former Republican congressman-turned journalist–who is now a former Republican, period–immediately hustled the audio excerpt onto his show, whetting the appetites of the dozen or so hardcore Hillary fans who have been anticipating the book ever since her heartbreaking loss to Donald Trump last November.

Here’s just a little taste of what we can expect:

Chills, man, total chills.  The way Hillary delivers those lines, with all the passion of a former child star phoning in a cameo for a Sharknado movie, it’ll be a travesty if she doesn’t win a Grammy for her performance.

Among my favorite highlights:

Writing this wasn’t easy.

Which is probably why she hired someone else to write it for her.

Every day that I was a candidate for president, I knew millions of people were counting on me, and I couldn’t bear the idea of letting them down. But I did. I couldn’t get the job done. And I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Happily, the rest of us won’t have to live with her being president for the rest of our lives.  I’d call that a silver lining.

In this book, I write about moments in the campaign that I wish I could back and do over. (Laughs) If the Russians could hack my subconscious, they’d find a long list.

No doubt filled with yoga routines and plans for Chelsea’s wedding.  Thank goodness the Russkies had your server to hack instead.  I imagine they found your 33,000 emails a lot more riveting than your prose.

Fortunately, like a lusty reader flipping through the boring parts of Fifty Shades to get to the good parts, Hillary jumps ahead to the stuff that her readers actually care about–like what really happened when she and Trump did their own take on Meet Me in St. Louis:

This is not okay, I thought, It was the second presidential debate, and Donald Trump is looming behind me.

That would be the fruit of the loom, sweetheart.  We’re talking about the Donald here.

Two days before, the world heard him brag about groping women. Now we were on a small stage, and no matter where I walked he followed me closely, staring at me, making faces. It was incredibly uncomfortable.

You’d think that after living with Bill, she’d be used to that sort of thing.

He was literally breathing down my neck.

#ConfessYourPetPeeve:  People who use literally when they mean figuratively.  Everybody knows that Trump’s mic was the only thing that got the heavy breathing treatment that night, and even then it was coming though his nose.

My skin crawled.

Too bad she didn’t have some ice to put on that.

It was one of those moments where you wish you could hit pause and ask everyone watching, ‘Well, what would you do?’

Bette Davis would have thrown a drink in his face.  But you, Hillary, are no Bette Davis.

Do you stay calm, keep smiling and carry on as if he weren’t repeatedly invading your space?

Donald Trump is a Space Invader.  Somebody call Don Lemon.

Or do you turn, look him in the eye and say loudly and clearly, ‘Back up you creep, get away from me. I know you love to intimidate women, but you can’t intimidate me, so back up.’”

I myself would have gone with, “Step off, Jack!”  But then I’ve always thought that brevity was the soul of wit.  Hillary, on the other hand, looks like she focus groups her snappy comebacks.  Well, the ones that aren’t laced with f-bombs, anyway.

Then again, maybe a few f-bombs might make the book more interesting.  It would certainly make it more believable.  No matter what happens, though, I’m sure What Happened!!! will be a monster bestseller.  Better get your copy before the SEIU snaps them all up.

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Marc Giller

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