How to Conduct a Salem Witch Hunt, Washington Style

In the infamous Salem witch trials of 1692, those Puritans really knew how to hunt witches. They were the best prosecutors in American history–you could say they had a 100 percent conviction rate–guilty or not.

Some of Salem’s best witch divining techniques included:

Spectral evidence: Where accusers would see the accused witch in dreams or visions doing the Devil’s work.

Eyewitness testimony based on confluence of events. Because we all know that correlation equals causation. The accused witch sneezed, and then my goat died the next day. It must be witchcraft.

Dunking. The accused was repeatedly dunked and held under water until guilt was admitted. Note that this is different from the much more accurate method of tying a heavy rock to the accused and throwing them into a body of water. If the accused floated to the surface, obviously it’s witchcraft and the accused would be burned at the stake. If not, another soul entered Heaven.

Obviously, these methods were very effective at rooting out the witches, or at least eliminating suspects. The same techniques are now being applied to the Trump-Russia collusion case.

To wit:

Democrats believe that President Trump is the devil incarnate, or at least totally possessed by Satan (or Cthulhu, depending on your preferred narrative).  Rep. Maxine Waters has this vision daily.

Therefore we must impeach Trump.

Trump and Putin have mutually praised each other multiple times. Trump’s associates have met with Russians. Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn had relationships with Russians. Russians hacked the DNC. We all know that correlation equals causation: smoke causes fire. Therefore Trump must have been behind it all, being a criminal mastermind and political warlock.

They also say Trump is a dolt whose intellect is so lightweight it can’t punch its way out of a Kongming lantern. So it must be witchcraft.

Therefore we must impeach Trump.

Michael Flynn invoked the Fifth Amendment to avoid testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee. Therefore he must be hiding something. Thus, he must be guilty and covering up what he’s hiding.


Trump asked the FBI, the NSA, the CIA, and the Men in Black to publicly deny there was evidence of collusion between his campaign and Russia. He allegedly told former FBI Director James Comey “I hope you can let this go” regarding Flynn. Then he fired Comey. Obviously, Flynn couldn’t continue to cover up the collusion Comey was investigating after he was forced to resign, so therefore Comey had to go.

Of course, Trump knew Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who wrote a damning letter outlining all of Comey’s fireable offenses, would then have to appoint a special counsel, specifically to look into the coverup that Flynn could not continue because he had to resign.

Keep up, okay? You’re following? Good.

This all leads to the inescapable conclusion that Flynn’s pleading the Fifth Amendment is absolute proof of a coverup.

Therefore, we must impeach Trump.

Now then, if Trump could simply fire his whole staff, who are clearly too incompetent at witchcraft to cover up a proper conspiracy, he could “clean house” and make this whole Russia thing go away. Just like Nixon could have in 1973.

In a recent New Yorker article, Nixon biographer Evan Thomas said that “there were any number of steps that could have made [Watergate] go away.” Thomas argued that Nixon “could have cleaned house and fired people,” for instance.

Ahh, but then, those people would have reason to turn on Trump, given their own culpability to criminal charges. You know, like Flynn.

Nixon fired White House counsel John Dean in April 1973, and that June, Dean testified before the Senate Watergate committee about Nixon’s involvement in the coverup . Likewise, James McCord, a former CIA officer ostensibly hired to work as a security officer for the Republican National Committee, sent a letter to Judge John Sirica during the sentencing phase of his 1973 trial for the Watergate burglary, explaining that his perjury had been bought by the Nixon administration.

So if Trump fires his whole staff, then that’s proof beyond any shadow of a doubt of a coverup, just like Nixon.

And if Trump keeps his staff after all the chaos, mixed messages, and clown shows resulting from the boss’s statements (remember, Trump is simultaneously a master warlock of Satanic power, and a microcephalic doofus), that’s ironclad evidence of a coverup. Because keeping his staff means he doesn’t want them turning state’s evidence on him. Like Flynn didn’t do.

Therefore, we must impeach Trump.

There is literally (and by that, I mean “literally”) no logical way to reach any conclusion or verdict than “guilty.” Trump is as guilty as the witches in 17th century Salem. Witches must be done away with.

Once the witch is dead, then the Democrats can resume their policy of engaging Russia as a friend, because you know, the 90s are calling, and they want their foreign policy back.

And that, friends, is how to conduct a Salem witch hunt, Washington style.

About the author

Steve Berman

The old Steve cared about money, prestige, and power. Then Christ found me. All at once things changed. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

I spent 30 years in business. Now I write and edit. But mostly I love. I have a wife and 2 kids and a dog and we live in a little house in central Georgia.

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