I’m Leaving America Because of Clay Travis

Clay Travis set the media world on fire today when he went on CNN and proclaimed, “I believe in only two things completely: The First Amendment and boobs.”

Here’s the video:

I am a father.  I take this responsibility very seriously.  Like any decent parent, I want my sons to grow up happy, healthy, right-handed, and not poor.  That is why I have tried my best to pass down the secret to happiness: Base your contentment on what other people say.

People make WAY too much of stability and don’t place near enough importance on having the emotional strength of a teenage girl with a fresh pimple.  You probably sit around your dinner table as a family and discuss things like right and wrong.  That’s stupid.  What you should be doing is showing your kids all the offensive things said on television that day and reinforcing to them why the opinion of total strangers actually matters.

I’m doing it right in my house.  I quit my job today after I saw that Clay Travis video so that I could make sure to be home when the kids got home from school.  I was huddled in the corner, sitting on the floor, clutching my knees and weeping when they came in.

Them: “Dad! You’re home! Why are you crying? Did mom throw out the Doritos again?”

Me: “Sit down kids. I have something important to tell you.”

Seven year old: “Can I go poop first?”

Eight year old: “I got a B in science!”

Me: “When did you stop wearing diapers and science doesn’t even matter! Just sit down! Kids, Clay Travis said the word “boobs” on television today.”

Them: “Is that bad?”

Me: “Some people are saying it’s childish and unprofessional.  Those people are wrong.  It’s actually the end of America.  Now you will sit here on this floor until you start crying. Then you will pack your things.  We’re leaving this country to find some place where nobody says offensive things.”

Them: “Where is that, Dad?”

Me: “Saudi Arabia. Offensive things have been banned there.  So it must be nice.”

About the author

Jesse Kelly

View all posts