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It’s Not Me, It’s You

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We are a divided nation.  As the great Joe McCarthy predicted, we’ve been completely invaded by commies.  It’s time for us to go our separate ways.  So once again, as The Beach Boys once so famously said, “our nation turns its lonely eyes to you”. (By the way, “lonely” is harder to spell than you’d think. Got it on the third try though. No big deal.)

I have taken quite a bit of time (11 minutes with MS Paint) to draw up the new map.  As king, I’ve chosen to name it The Free States of America.  I came up with that on my own.  Writers’ minds just work differently.  Once those creative juices start flowing, you never know what might come out.


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But I digress.  So here’s the map.  I’ll explain a few things after you study it like I know you will.  Only the best and the brightest read my stuff.

If that looks a little blurry, it’s because I don’t know how to really edit images and stuff on my computer.  Whatever, nerd.

Anyway, let me explain.

-Obviously Florida is out.  We’re not importing a drug problem at the birth of our new nation.  Adding Florida would doom us from the start.  That’s like marrying a stripper right after high school graduation.

-Montana is out.  We can’t risk that long of a border with Canada.  Canada is like asking your wife how her day was: It seems right but you quickly regret it.

-Arizona is out because we can’t create island states and there is no WAY we’re taking on water by accepting New Mexico.  “Land of Enchantment” Ha! Sell that somewhere else.  We’re all stocked up here.

-North Carolina is out because we need a place for the Northern commies to beach vacation without bringing their bad accents into our country.  “Hey Tommy, where did you pahk the cah?!!”  Hard pass on that.

In conclusion, there’s nothing wrong with countries choosing to go their separate ways.  Our world is filled with success stories of countries who charted their own course.  Countries like Yugoslavia, East Germany, and North Korea.

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Jesse Kelly

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