Today Jeff Flake broke the hearts of five or six people and announced he won’t seek re-election for Senate in Arizona. I’ve been fielding phone calls and text messages all afternoon from people encouraging me to run for that seat. And with good reason! How many other people embarrassingly lost two congressional elections in Arizona? Clearly, I’m ready to take the next step. So with a humble heart, I lay out for you the reasons that I want to be your next Senator:
- I genuinely cannot stand people. The Senate will give me the opportunity to look down on others while simultaneously not listening to a word they say.
- I don’t want to live under Obamacare anymore. So I’m going to the Senate to exempt myself. If you can’t beat em, join em.
- Flying. Nothing worse than flying coach and having to share space with that woman who brings her ugly dog. “Do you want to pet Muffy?” No lady, I want to depressurize the plane and crash it just to avoid you speaking to me. I’ve already put the lobbyists on notice that my Senate votes can be purchased with a private jet.
- I want to serve with Kid Rock.
- The support for my candidacy is already there. Look at this fine gentlemen who was recently photographed at a flea market in Mexico wearing one of my old campaign shirts. Tell me he doesn’t look fired up to jump our non-existent border fence and work hard for the Kelly campaign. Viva Senate!
- I have a hot wife and my kids are cute. How can I cheat them out of the chance to be used in campaign ads to further my political career?
Now is the time. We don’t need more false promises. We need someone who will go to Washington just to do the easy things and enrich himself. I give you my word. I’m your guy.