Transgender Sign, Gray and White Sign with a woman, male and transgender symbol

Massachusetts Abolishes Gender, Pregnancy, and Possibly Cancer

On June 1st, the Massachusetts’ House of Representatives passed a law that would eliminate biological sex and make male and female dependent on gender identification rather than genetics. At first, you might take issue with this law, but that’s only because you’re small-minded and have failed to see the law’s potential.

Are you a woman? I am. Have you ever experienced PMS related mood swings, acne, cramping, anemia? Congratulations, you need suffer no longer. All you need to do is move to Massachusetts and, thanks to their wonderful new law, you can announce you no longer identify as a woman and all that female-related pain and suffering will disappear.

Are you pregnant? I am. Perhaps you feel like hurling right now thanks to first trimester pregnancy woes, or maybe you’re having a hard time losing baby pounds you put on while pregnant? Don’t fret. Just move to Massachusetts, announce you no longer identify as a woman, and that extra cellulite will disappear along with the nausea. Men don’t gain weight during pregnancy, so now that Massachusetts has eliminated biological sex, we women need no longer suffer either.

Not only will Massachusetts’ new law protect women, it will help law enforcement by reducing violent crime. Ninety percent of rape victims are women. Massachusetts’ new law will eliminate so many rapes. Women of Massachusetts, you no longer need to carry pepper spray or a concealed carry permit when you go jogging alone on a deserted trail. Rather, when a would-be rapist approaches you on an abandoned path, announce loudly that you no longer identify as a woman. Since ninety percent of rapes involve a female victim, ninety percent of the time this announcement will solve the problem. I wish I lived in Massachusetts so I wouldn’t have to worry about being assaulted.

While eliminating biological sex has already brought a myriad of benefits to Massachusetts, we must expand on their brilliance. Despite years of research and billions of dollars spent, we don’t have a cure for cancer. Who knew we could solve the issue by passing a law abolishing cancer and allowing a person to identify as cancer free. We need such a law.

What about dyslexia and learning disabilities? We need state legislators to start passing laws abolishing them. High school and college graduation rates will soar once we abolish learning disabilities and other things that drag down kids’ school performance. As a counselor, I have a special place in my heart for those experiencing mental health disorders. Let’s abolish those too. Anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, all will disappear with the stroke of a legislator’s pen. Can you even imagine the possibilities?

I apologize for cutting this short, but I have to log onto my computer and research plane tickets to Massachusetts. I’m in the third trimester of pregnancy and experiencing some truly excruciating back pain. Nothing has helped. Praise heaven Massachusetts has offered me a solution with its revolutionary new law. As soon as I touch land on Massachusetts’ soil, I’m announcing I no longer identify as a female and my back pain will instantly disappear. Men don’t experience pregnancy back pain.

So stop your small-minded rants about the unethical nature of Massachusetts’ new law. I’m about to experience the bliss of a pain-free pregnancy. Thank you Massachusetts. Let’s abolish cancer next.

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Anne Evans

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