Meow Murder

Since it’s Friday–and since I wanted to write something, anything, that didn’t involve a sex pervert–I figured I would search the realms of weird news on the internet to see if I could find some inspiration.  It didn’t take long before I came across a story so bizarre, I’m surprised it didn’t happen in Florida.

You’ve heard of murder, most foul.  Well, how about murder, most feline?

A Japanese police probe into the attempted murder of an elderly bedridden woman has reportedly led to an unlikely suspect: a stray cat.

Mayuko Matsumoto’s daughter found her bleeding profusely from about 20 cuts to her face on Monday at her home in a mountainous region of southern Japan.

Bloodthirsty cats?  Remote mountainous town?  This has all the makings of a David Lynch movie.

Police launched an attempted murder investigation after seeing the wounds, some of them relatively severe, according to local broadcaster RKK.

“When we found her, blood covered everything above her chin. Her face was soaked in blood. I didn’t know what had happened,” Matsumoto’s daughter told RKK.

Is it just me, or does RKK sound more like the acronym for a secret government agency conducting mind control experiments through the television set?  Or maybe they’ve been tasked with cleaning up the deadly radioactive tuna created by the Fukushima nuclear plant meltdown, which has turned the cats into C.H.U.D.-like mutant killing machines.

Man, this script practically writes itself.

Matsumoto, who is 82 years old and reportedly unable to speak, had to receive emergency care, Kyodo News said.

Investigators found no sign of people entering or leaving the house at the time of the suspected attack, the private network NTV said.

They then realised that Matsumoto’s wounds looked like cat scratches…

Hmm, cat scratch fever.  I wonder if the old lady was listening to Ted Nugent when Fluffy put the hurt on her.

Police turned their attention to the stray cats loitering around Matsumoto’s house, and found traces of what may be human blood on one of them, the Nishinippon Shimbun newspaper said Friday.

“Police are analysing a blood sample taken from the claw of the cat which might have scratched the victim,” national broadcaster NHK reported.

Clearly this is a job for CSI:  Cat Scratch Investigation.  The only question is, if they find their cat will they throw the book at him–or a shoe?

I’m here all weekend, folks.  Be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses!

About the author

Marc Giller

View all posts