Retro America: Hillary, Pokemon, and Crime

“Now we’ve got smart phones, criminals, and imaginary characters from the 1990’s. It’s retro, just like Hillary. But it’s all too real.”

In a year when the GOP had two hispanic senators, an Indian American governor, and an African American surgeon as candidates, it looks like Republicans will end up with an old, rich, privileged white nominee.

The Democrats offered up two old, rich, white people. Only one of them was the least bit hip. (But only in the sense that Che Guevara posters are cool, because, you know, power to the people and all that.)

Hillary Clinton is to people under 30 what Lawrence Welk was to me growing up. She’s so irrelevant and desperately trying to be hip, it’s cringeworthy watching her fail. One cannot even tell the difference between truth and parody.

For example, did Clinton really say this?

I’m constantly hearing from all of the Millennials and grandchildren that I hang out with that they like it when their Pokemans evolve (and think that it is good), so I’d just encourage everyone out there to have the same attitude when selecting the next president….

Hillary is hip, urban retro. She doesn’t own a car, lives in a big city, and keeps her nose firmly planted in a smart phone. Her particular taste in pantsuits will, one day, become fashionable again (perhaps when Capt. Kathryn Janeway wears them).

But here’s what Hillary and Pokemon have in common. They are both so late 90’s. They have that worn-out, faded quality of an old band trying to make a comeback–just for one song. Like when the Grateful Dead released “A Touch of Grey” in 1987, or John Travolta’s emergence from the memory hole in “Pulp Fiction.”

Hillary has this “one more try” quality to her, as if Bill will resurrect Arsenio Hall’s career just to play sax one more time. It could happen.

Clinton has one more thing in common with Pokemon’s comeback. Pokemon Go is a great idea with a really terrible design flaw. It’s set up like a real-world geocaching version of fantasy Pokemons–you go somewhere and “catch” these mythical creatures in your smartphone, kind of like Hillary with top secret emails. But the flaw is that certain places, known as PokeStops, are public enough for criminals to lure victims to them and rob them.

Now we’ve got smart phones, criminals, and imaginary characters from the 1990’s. It’s retro, just like Hillary. But it’s all too real.

And the worst part is, the Pokemon app designers will be able to fix their app, and likely make it harder for criminals to rob naive users hunting their mythical quarry. But the GOP, unless the delegates in Cleveland get their noses out of their own orange Pokemon and dump him, will doom us all to four years of insufferable pantsuits, unbridled ambition, and total liberal tyranny.

P.S. It’s hilarious that the Pokemon Go app designated Trump Tower as a PokeStop gym, where users can battle gym leaders. I’m not making this up.

About the author

Steve Berman

The old Steve cared about money, prestige, and power. Then Christ found me. All at once things changed. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

I spent 30 years in business. Now I write and edit. But mostly I love. I have a wife and 2 kids and a dog and we live in a little house in central Georgia.

View all posts