The North Korean Solution

I’ve let this go on for days now.  North Korea threatens to nuke Guam and suddenly everyone is an expert on how to stop them.  All these “experts” cite “books” and “war colleges” and “visits to North Korea”.  Well if there’s one thing I learned from watching professional wrestling, it’s that you don’t need to be literate to have power.

I’ve done my own research.  I watched Die Another Day, I used Google Maps to make sure I knew where Guam was for sure, and I asked my dry cleaner about the whole situation (turns out she’s actually from China but she seemed smart so I took her advice).

The solution is simple.  We draw up a simple treaty with Kim Jong Whatever.  We let him have Guam if he promises never to develop a nuke that can reach further than California and we agree to send him one of our barbers at least once a month .  We wait until he occupies Guam, then we nuke it ourselves.

Boom. We just liberated North Korea while also shedding the dead weight that is Guam (seriously, why do we own Guam?).  I’ve forwarded this information to the Trump administration and it must be picking up steam because I already heard back from the Secret Service.

I’ll keep you posted.

About the author

Jesse Kelly

View all posts