The Text of Trump’s Best Speech (If Only)

…If only they’d feed it into his TelePrompTer. Wouldn’t it be amazing?


“Good afternoon. I turned on the TV today to news of an America broken and hurting. So many are angry. And I understand why. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to hurt, and let people know. But it’s not ok to act it out. We raise our children to control it, to channel it, and to turn it into great things.

As your president, I condemn anyone who acts in violent ways to make their voices heard. Instead, we don’t hear your voices, or get your point, we only see drama and childish behavior.

The hatred and antagonism that we see right now from anti-fa and the alt-right needs to stop. Yes, I’m calling you out by name, but not so you can brag about it. You’re thugs. You’re racist. You’re not normal, or acceptable in society. I call you out by name, no matter what side you’re on, so everyone knows who you are when you act this way.

Many of you were upset when past leaders wouldn’t call groups out by name when you hate and burn things, and I won’t make the same mistake. If you want to hate, do it at home, and yell in the mirror. Because that’s who you’re really degrading.

Fellow Americans, stop hurting your neighbor. Please, stop hating your opponent. Stop making noise, and start listening. The far right and the far left are both wrong in their bigotry. They’re both on the wrong side of history. For 400 years America has been the destination of peoples from all backgrounds and beliefs because we let you be who you are, and be what you choose. But with that Liberty comes a need for respect. When we hate someone because they’re different or disagree with us, we become the same people that drove our ancestors to emigrate here long ago.

Lets go forward, not back to the dungeons of history where men, women, black, white, or even Muslim, Christian, Jew, gay, straight or any other man-made label needs to fight for their right to live in the peace and prosperity America provides. Our suffering is because we are human. Sin and pain is a natural thing, not a race thing, or an ideology. So, let’s place the blame where it belongs.

Oh, and… *pause* I apologize if anything I’ve said – or not said – has given you comfort to act out your anger in such deplorable ways. It’s not right. It’s primitive. It’s not American.

Let’s heal. May God bless America, and may He forgive me too, for failing you at times. I’ll work hard to make you proud and lead us all by example. That’s the honor and calling that comes with this office of President, and I intend on making it something worthy of the men and women who made this beautiful land possible.”

-President Donald Trump, in an alternate reality


See? It’s not that hard, Mr president. Try it.

I guarantee your poll numbers will skyrocket. Even the PPP and ABC polls! And even I will applaud a man I wouldn’t vote for last November. Be that man. Because America needs it, and you just might fall in love with him too. In fact, I’m certain you would.

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Ed Willing

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