We cannot allow a Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton general election.
I’ll just put it out there: There would be no adults in the room.
I would sooner leave my 6-year-old and his 5-year-old brother alone in my house with an unlocked iPhone, a garden hose connected to a spigot, a loaded BB gun and a 20 pound bag of quick-dry concrete mix than allow Trump to run against Hillary.
All the arguments of who would win really go out the window because it wouldn’t freaking matter. By the time November came around, the country would be so lost that some people would beg for another four years of President Obama just to stop the train wreck. Our enemies would lick their lips in delicious anticipation of an America ripe for picking from the short branches of the rotten tree that either Trump or Clinton would bring to the Oval Office.
Take a peek at just two almost-simultaneous vignettes from Donald and Hillary’s life on the campaign trail.
Hillary appeared on stage Sunday to receive New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio’s endorsement, resulting in the nuclear meltdown of bad, racist jokes.
This is the moment when you want to freeze time. Something’s off, and it’s worrisome. Bill is about to do a joke — and you want to ask him, “Bill, have you asked people about this joke yet? Has this joke been cleared? If so, who gave the green light? Does your wife, Chirlane, know about this joke? Wait — no, you aren’t going to do the joke about … oh no.”
“I was running on CP— ”
No, Bill. You can’t. There is no way you’re about to overly enunciate this not-great joke while gesticulating every word as if you’re typing out emoji handclaps. Oh no, please someone stop this man before it’s too—
“I was running on CP time.”
Now let’s peek at Donald campaigning in Pittsburgh. “How’s Joe Paterno? Are we going to bring that back?”
Trump begins quest for Sorcerer's Stone in order to resurrect Joe Paterno pic.twitter.com/kSXw6wMVH6
— Ian McKenna (@Ian_McK_) April 13, 2016
Reading from his hand-written Sharpie, block-lettered notes, Trump must have haw-hawed all the way from Teterboro on the jet ride in when he came up with that one. He must have called Larry David to offer that joke to Jerry Seinfeld. It’s a knee-slapper all right.
Sure, bring JoePa back…from the grave, where he sadly went as they melted down his statue after he was flushed down the memory hole by Jerry Sandusky’s despicable predations.
It seemed like Trump only remembered that Paterno was fired, not that he died.
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) April 13, 2016
The Branch Trumpidians claim that Der Apfelstrudelfuhrer was talking about JoePa’s statue, not the man himself. But that doesn’t scratch the surface of Trump’s lunatic raving comedy. He wasn’t at Penn State, he was in Pittsburgh.
Someone please get Donald a map. Pittsburgh is a place where football runs red in their blood, but not Penn State football. Pittsburghers are fans of the NFL’s Steelers and the University of Pittsburgh, which is a rival of Penn State. Penn State is in State College, a 3-hour, 140 mile drive away.
Between Hillary and Donald, they could kill the room in any comedy club between Squamish Harbor and Key Largo. Kill it as in suck the air out of it. Even Amy Schumer would cringe. Jokes about racist “lazy blacks” slang and pedophilia are just the tip of the iceberg of what we’d see if Trump and Hillary face off in the general election.
We owe it to our country to ensure that at least one adult is nominated. Otherwise, the election is going to be one long, painfully cringe-inducing trainwreck.