Why Did Christopher Columbus Ruin America?

“In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”

That’s a little rhyme I just made up to help you remember the year Columbus destroyed America. He was born in one of those European countries that’s not important enough to remember and he set out on an early path to destruction. Young Christopher could be seen at early age, staring out at the ocean and dreaming about conquest and genocide. Soon he would get his chance.

He got himself some ships, and at no risk to himself, set out across the ocean with murder on his mind. Upon “discovering America”, he couldn’t believe what he saw. It was a utopia very similar to what you saw in that movie Avatar except none of the people were blue.

“Welcome to America, Christopher. Why are you looking at me funny?”

There was commerce here and complete peace between all the tribes. They were just getting ready to construct a great North American highway system, discover the polio vaccine, and establish the Peace Corps when Columbus ruined it all. There was one language, an established border, and a plan to expand trade routes across the ocean until “The Pox Throa From Genoa” showed up on the scene.

Actual picture of Columbus interrupting a corporate meeting about business expansion.

So don’t celebrate this day. This is a day for you to sit in your air-conditioned house and tweet from your iPhone about how oppressed you are and about the evils of America’s history.

Or you get on your knees and thank God you live in the wealthiest country in the world and you’re comfortable enough to complain about things that happened 600 years ago.


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Jesse Kelly

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